Why I love you

The question has haunted me enough

Why do i love you?

What do you offer ?

What do you give ?

What do you provide ?

that I choose to love.

 

Its not like the cliches

you dont complete me

nor do I feel like my world will end without you

you don’t tame the beast in me

nor do you find set me free

so why ?

why do I perform this exceptional task

why do I love you

 

like a big bang you came

along with  limited life …

but also came a vast supply

of

dead rock that floats,

each planet that errodes

each satellite that groves.

all play dead for one to exist

like earth is just a guess of right calculation.

so are you

 

each path your left

each dream that died

each love that burnt

each passion that doused.

like a solar system

they all play dead for you to exist

 

they play a part to build the love

they play a part to save the house

they are the children that run

the kite that sores

 

but again why do i love you

what do u offer

 

 

 

i love you cause i can

i love you for i will

i love you cause you live

as life is worth loving…..

 

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Why I love the me too hashtag..

Over the past few days I have overdosed my mind with information about the #metoo. its a look down the rabbit hole. its as hard hitting as a punch in my gut or some random uncle groping my ass.. yes i still chose to call that monster uncle to remind me not to like any uncles in particular, because in my 28 years i have met one who wont say anything sexually or sexist. All the others always have some comment on my weight, my body, my lack of girly chirpiness, me failure as a female for not  getting them water… so i am entiteled to say I dont like any uncle..

so back to why i love the #metoo movement.

  1. It bring out the magnitude of issue. I urge everyone male I know to read the hashtag and their timeline on any given social media is blowing up. Its a shocking perspective to those who have chose to read it.

Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 7.46.29 PM.png2. Its makes some men think about the time they indulged in sexist and sexualised banter that would be uncomfortable and could be traumatising to someone. I am thankful to so many men who have responded with #sodonechilling.. picking their own mindsets apart to setting aside these roles. I believe that these men will be more considerate when they pick funny stories about a girl friend next time..

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3.It has brought forward that women help in so many ways to keep up these patrichical thoughts. They normalise it, they diter our thoughts from how to react to how to prevent it next time. They work hard to keep their husbands, boyfriends, sons or male friends privilege high up and push blame, guilt and shame on females.

Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 2.35.06 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-10-18 at 1.46.28 PM.png4.another important aspect that has come up is the number of women who have shared the time it started was when they were as young as 5 or 8 years. That is when females of the homo sapiens are being groped and pinched and sexualised by stranger, known adults and family.

 

Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 7.57.23 PM.png           Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 7.54.55 PM.png

5.another aspect of the #metoo is that it has brought so many men out to tell us about their stories. men have found a way to talk about sexual abuse without getting triggered for male bashing. Though it might seem as a small number.. its the biggest any sexual abuse campaign has received..

 

Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 8.08.19 PM.png6.most importantly it brought in spotlight the nuances of sexism and sexuallised language we all accepting as normal. Those casual comments that these uncles make to feel more relatable or to assert authority. the subtle ways our language are more victim focused and doesnt take about perpetrator at all.

 

Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 2.01.55 PM.png7. it gives me hope that maybe one day the internet will be a place to safely say “i am excited for tonights garba” or “kisses and hug are how i liked to be greeted” or “in mood ” without wondering if this will send out invited to random people sending dick pics or addresses to come see them for more kisses and hugs,Screen Shot 2017-10-18 at 4.38.56 PM.png

This is written by one of the men.. and i know i have no right to use other peoples content and tweets without permission. i am sorry for doing it.. this is my cope bag. and i next time i am groped or made fun of.. i will come back to this.. read this and pray more men take up the mantel to be more sensitive and more human. To humanise their mind that have been dehumanised by years of patriarchal ideas and concepts..

10 reasons I am a picky eater…

Let’s dive right into it …

1- I love the fact that I can eat only one percent of food everyone else can … dude at least I don’t have to choose for the whole menu.. I can only pick from the 2 things… who likes having options

2- I love it when my parents scramble to figure out my food… it’s so much fun to trouble your parents who are senior citizens now.. who wants them to be happy and worry free.

3- I am so glad that the only thing I am is thin and difficult. Who wants people to think I am a good psychologist or a good and intelligent person.. no no those internal aspect of me are truly as irrelevant as my educational degree or my professional development.

4- one awesome advantage of being a picky eater is my size has remained that of a 12 year old. Who likes shopping from adult sections, Where no sales person giggle at each other and point at you. Come on where else will I get that attention and it’s so flattering when people laugh at you !!! Yes that’s the thing I live for !!!

5- I simply love meeting relatives, all they talk about is me … for long hours .. discussing how I am difficult, and won’t have a future or will have ailments in my future or how I will live alone or I don’t deserve love or companionship. Yes that’s the kind of attention … thank god they don’t ever discuss my work achievements or my personal growth or if I am loveable/ likeable ..

6- ailments !!!! yes that’s what I am aiming for , that I get a butt loads on ailments as I grow up…. please being health is so passé… I want joint pains and weak bones and bad stomachache… isn’t that what we all aim for ?? Being sick every 3 months….

7 – being hungry !!! I love to starve myself !! Simply love it !! After a long day of 8 hours of talking while I am on my feet.. working with adults and figuring out solutions to mental health concerns .. please nor me or my brain needs any food .. I look Forward to seeing food and saying no to it.. don’t we all like denying something basics!!!!

8- I love it when my people hold my hand and measure it, touch my midriff and feel my ribs, love it when they can pick me up … come on who needs personal space when you can enjoy being body shamed !!! I hate all these women who are trying to change people and say body shaming is wrong … are you kidding me women.. body shaming is the best for of attention. They talk about every flaw in you in such detail !!! Where else will you get someone who cares so much that they point out each things about you that you hate !!!

9- being rejected !!! When people you love reject your love and you cause you don’t eat !!! That’s love !! That’s care more than I can imagine !! Don’t we all love a good reject!!!

10- I can’t thank people enough for the anxiety… the fact my self esteem is all low because of something that I need to do 3 times a day!! Let’s do this about breathing next !!! Let’s talk about all the things I am doing wrong about breathing. Please make it so so awkward for me that I can’t do it in public !!! that I will have to think twice before I take a breath or it’s not something I can be grateful about every !!!!

I am writing not to defend my eating habits. I am writing so you see that picky eating is not a life style choice. I don’t decide that I am going to make my parents life hell, and eat only one percent of the food available. It’s no fun to have no choice of options.

We all have that one vegetable that puts our mood off when we see it sitting next to our roti, and no matter how much our mom talks it up or tries to sell it .. it’s never a pleasure to eat. Picky eating is not fun… please don’t make it the only aspect of me.. please

Dear people on the street 

Hello people,

The few who are looking at me walk down the street of Bombay. I know how we walk, we walk with our hands outstretched to haul a willing rickshaw guy to take us to our preferred destination. And while I have a dozen things on my mind I happen to look at this one guy standing near a bike looking at passerby.

As is my job I wonder what is his motivation? Then was more curious by the thought that occurred in my head.

What will he think about me?

Which made all the other thoughts in my head evaporate… I was curious. I wondered if he thinks I am peculiar, can he see my anxiety, can he see I am keeping it together by creating so much noise around me that I can’t hear the scary self-deprecating thoughts. Can he see all that by looking at a girl walking down a street in here best Sunday dress?

Or what if I didn’t wear my Sunday best, what if I walked around wearing mismatched clothes, or my hair wasn’t combed or my shoes we different ? Would he for a minute have a thought of concern or would he just call me crazy and move on to the next passerby?

I want to say as we get more modern and well read.. we have also become more judgmental and indifferent.

I want to say the world can’t see my mental health concerns till I get to the stage of running on the street naked probably. So even I can’t see the struggles of the lady walking ahead of me. Or the guy who is looking at passerbys.

We all have an Achilles heal. We all have bat caves and gained batman strength through the hardships that has made us the super hero we are today.

Replacement 

Life does turn and twist in the most unexpected ways. A reassuring hand on the shoulder turned into a burning Tobacco stick. Our ridiculous banter changed to Ed Sherman, kandisa and like I am going to lose you … in just that order and just as ritualistic as you were about looking at temples on our ride home.  

So from chattering about our day to talking about marvel and superheroes. When we broke up I would dread a ride home as would miss you terribly.. I cried in unnumerablr rides … but now i don’t choke on tears, I press a burning cigarette in my lips and suck in the void while listening to music. 

Soon one day 

Soon I am going to warp my fingers around someone’s wrist and say “wow” 

I am going to greet someone by saying ” how much do you eat? ” 

I am going to touch somebody’s stomach and say ” ohh you have one !!” 

I am going to enquiry if ” shopping at adults section is fun ?” 

I am going to check someone out look suprised and guess that person’s weight 

When some one is picking a bag be concerned about them and ask if  “are you sure you can carry that? ” 

Even if doing this will make me extremely uncomfortable 😣..

Just to understand the fun I am missing out on by following personal space boundaries and refraining to comment on somebodies body type …..

Cool unconscious or anxiety driven consciousness? 

They say lucid dreams are those that you control. You can change the characters, the setting, the time and best of all you can disregard it all together. Just fly yourself out of it. Statically they are the dreams you remember too. 

So I still dream about you. I still do no matter how much I try not to, I still pick out situations we might meet and play them in my head again an again till it become a dream. 

So yesterday I saw you in my dream again. I saw you with a girl in a totally unexpected place a church. I really want to know  how that came about as I have never played that in my head before. So this one is on my  unconscious. 

So I see you at church with a really pretty girl and I come up to approach you. We end up having dinner. You me and your new girlfriend. I notice she is clumsy but I don’t hate her. 

I am happy for you. I am not jealous I am not judging her. I just like her instantly and I am happy. The funny part tho is that my stomach churns when I am typing this. I feel my anxieties putting their heads up like a dozen 100 of meerkats in a grassland of errand thoughts. But I know without a doubt in my head that I was happy in my dream.

Seems like I am cooler subconsciously. Not cool at all consciously. Thus I see why I black out after 4 beers.