The word ‘Change’ gets the following response in my mind. “I HATE CHANGE!” I want to stomp my feet, puff my cheeks and pout with a growl like expression on my face. No I am not kidding this is exactly the reaction I see in my head, every time I hear the word Change.Like the movie Inside out, I picture tiny emotions people in my head. I have two very special characters. One is Anti Change, in a blue overall, which has stopped fitting long time back and is torn at various places. But no, Anti-change won’t bulge and change clothes. To top it of it is best friends with little miss Stubbornness, who is wearing a white dress which is now so dirty it looks black or brown.
The mess they create in my head with their friendship can be seen in my nightmares, restless sleep, ADHD and ridiculous lack of concentration.Don’t you dare ask me “ if you know what is causing you all this why don’t you just manage it?”
Because like really difficult children, nothing seems to work on them so far. Lets me list down what all has been tried to curb them so far.
Time out, I tired putting them both in time out, they played with my concentration pot and riddled it with holes of Self Doubt.
I tired Delayed Gratification, they retaliated by painting insecurities all over my dream wall.
I cajoled them with reason and logic, their Temper Tantrum’ed all through my Ability store. Now I can’t show my face there.
Like any parent with difficult kids, I have been giving a ton of well-intended advice on ways to manage them. From curb your Sugar intake ….( yes! Someone did actually tell me that nightmare and reduced ability to concentrate can be due to too much sugar/ chocolate) ….to….. Meditation. Did I use the advice? Well some of it at least.
Yes, I did reduce chocolate intake, not to save them from too much energy. Nevertheless, when you find yourself battling thoughts that provoke anxiety and play on existential fears, Chocolates and sweets do lose their charm.
I tired to ignore them, but they are like two gothic teens that have come to the exhibition, where you have exhibited the best of your abilities. All of which you have pain staking developed and build over all the years. You see them cruise through the exhibits ridiculing, insulting, criticizing each one of them and having a heart laugh. I fail to understand how are you suppose to distract your self. Its like telling a person, keep your eyes open but don’t see anything or stand in the middle of Sunburn music festival and not listen to music.
I did try meditation too; I put out scented candles, switch on soothing ocean music and tried to lock them up. I began clearing my mind of all thoughts… only to realize that now I can hear them, louder and clearer. Meditation is like giving these two a mike and podium to voice all their stand up acts, about my failures, short comings and anxieties.
I was also told, its just a phase, they will grow out of it, like American children they will move out soon. But what I don’t think anyone is understanding, is the fact that I am more worried about myself than them, I am more worried how will I be able to cope? Will I be able to build my Self Esteem Tower again. Will I be able to scrub all the Insecurity paint from my Dream Wall? Will I be able to get back on my Awesomeness horse, and ride into the dusk of Self Belief?
While I type all this negation and Self-Doubt, which is like feeding them more fodder for their next stand up act. I realised that the only thing keeping me sane and going, is consciously thinking about the other little people in my head. The tiny Achievement Pups, The Day Dreaming Boy, The (Future is Better) Optimistic Hobo, The Happiness Princess, The Caring Grandmother, The Memory Stall Vendor. Even though Stubbornness and Anti-change do take up most of my cognitive space, I know these other tiny people are also important. Especially, when they come up at least once a day, I know I am doing something right.
Exactly like the feeling parents have when they look down on sleeping children, thinking to themselves “No doubt they are difficult, but it’s still manageable.”