Little people in my head

The word ‘Change’ gets the following response in my mind. “I HATE CHANGE!” I want to stomp my feet, puff my cheeks and pout with a growl like expression on my face. No I am not kidding this is exactly the reaction I see in my head, every time I hear the word Change.Like the movie Inside out, I picture tiny emotions people in my head. I have two very special characters. One is Anti Change, in a blue overall, which has stopped fitting long time back and is torn at various places. But no, Anti-change won’t bulge and change clothes. To top it of it is best friends with little miss Stubbornness, who is wearing a white dress which is now so dirty it looks black or brown.

The mess they create in my head with their friendship can be seen in my nightmares, restless sleep, ADHD and ridiculous lack of concentration.Don’t you dare ask me “ if you know what is causing you all this why don’t you just manage it?”

Because like really difficult children, nothing seems to work on them so far. Lets me list down what all has been tried to curb them so far.

Time out, I tired putting them both in time out, they played with my concentration pot and riddled it with holes of Self Doubt.

I tired Delayed Gratification, they retaliated by painting insecurities all over my dream wall.

I cajoled them with reason and logic, their Temper Tantrum’ed all through my Ability store. Now I can’t show my face there.

Like any parent with difficult kids, I have been giving a ton of well-intended advice on ways to manage them. From curb your Sugar intake ….( yes! Someone did actually tell me that nightmare and reduced ability to concentrate can be due to too much sugar/ chocolate) ….to….. Meditation. Did I use the advice? Well some of it at least.

Yes, I did reduce chocolate intake, not to save them from too much energy. Nevertheless, when you find yourself battling thoughts that provoke anxiety and play on existential fears, Chocolates and sweets do lose their charm.

I tired to ignore them, but they are like two gothic teens that have come to the exhibition, where you have exhibited the best of your abilities. All of which you have pain staking developed and build over all the years. You see them cruise through the exhibits ridiculing, insulting, criticizing each one of them and having a heart laugh. I fail to understand how are you suppose to distract your self. Its like telling a person, keep your eyes open but don’t see anything or stand in the middle of Sunburn music festival and not listen to music.

I did try meditation too; I put out scented candles, switch on soothing ocean music and tried to lock them up. I began clearing my mind of all thoughts… only to realize that now I can hear them, louder and clearer. Meditation is like giving these two a mike and podium to voice all their stand up acts, about my failures, short comings and anxieties.

I was also told, its just a phase, they will grow out of it, like American children they will move out soon. But what I don’t think anyone is understanding, is the fact that I am more worried about myself than them, I am more worried how will I be able to cope? Will I be able to build my Self Esteem Tower again. Will I be able to scrub all the Insecurity paint from my Dream Wall? Will I be able to get back on my Awesomeness horse, and ride into the dusk of Self Belief?

While I type all this negation and Self-Doubt, which is like feeding them more fodder for their next stand up act. I realised that the only thing keeping me sane and going, is consciously thinking about the other little people in my head. The tiny Achievement Pups, The Day Dreaming Boy, The (Future is Better) Optimistic Hobo, The Happiness Princess, The Caring Grandmother, The Memory Stall Vendor. Even though Stubbornness and Anti-change do take up most of my cognitive space, I know these other tiny people are also important. Especially, when they come up at least once a day, I know I am doing something right.

Exactly like the feeling parents have when they look down on sleeping children, thinking to themselves “No doubt they are difficult, but it’s still manageable.”


The perfect picture

She sighed and wiped the tear off her cheek. Picked the baby up and asked her furry mutt baby to follow and walked with her shoulders squared.

Her four-legged baby kept eying her while walking in. Her god child kept her tiny hands on her cheek. She smiled and said “I love you too”

She looked around to look for the owners of the farm to tell them the good news. They had crossed their target of funds to raise by a phenomenal amount. She put the piece of paper with the amount of 1,39,45,678₹ in his hand with a twinkle and a mischievous smile in his hand. He looked at her puzzled and read the paper and his jaw dropped. He screamed an expletive and hugged her. Her mutt baby immediately barked as she knew her mother didn’t like tight long hugs, but he was really happy and she was uncomfortable but didn’t react. The baby wriggled and he let go. Joy and pride and fulfilment oozed out of his every pore. Words weren’t needed .

His wife walked in wondering what the commotion was all about I signalled him to keep it quite so the guest wouldn’t stop funding anymore. She was from a NGO she knew the money would be needed for one thing or another.

His wife and he hugged and kissed. She looked away. Remorseful. A tear slide down her cheek and she just hugged her god child close hummed a bit of ‘ in love with the shape of you’ sat down put her face on her dogs face and signed deep again. She let a couple of tears run amok before she squared her shoulders again. The couple looked at her confused. She smiled and said “happy tears”. Wondering if she had gotten better at lying or the only person who would catch a lie was the one she was missing the most. She could see his face questioning tilted to one side with an eyebrow raised. She should feel a smile on her face at that picture.

She looked up wondering why she had to lie. She should be happy. She just raised a phenomenal amount to help build a cattery, a free flight aviary and a beautiful barn, but most importantly her dream school for two and four-legged children. She should feel happy, proud that she could still achieve dreams. But the more she thought more the memory turned blue. She knew what she missed, she knew all she wanted was a hug from a loved person, his tiny smile that would reach the corner of his eyes. All she wanted was for him to be beside her. He wasn’t far he was a couple of tables away sitting with his colleagues.

She didn’t look that way. She just walked right up to her god daughter’s mom. Put the baby in her lap with a smile and walked right to the bar. Had a glass of wine just a sip and put in back.

Marched to the nearby table to make conversation and focus on being the host for the lovely fundraiser and see if she could damage their pockets more.

perfect picture

A perfect picture

A patch of shade
Under a lush green tree
Playing with fur and
A chuckling toddler
A perfect picture

That makes me sad
Cause not the kid
Nor the furry dog
Not the shade
Nor the tree
Not the love
Nor the smiles
Belong to me.

A tear sneaks away
The lonely heart aches
As love not found
For a long time
Reeks of self-doubt
And shame

I want the dream
I want my patch of shade
Under a tree of love
I need a home
where I am loved